I have a memory that allows me to remember how I felt in that moment in the past. I don’t necessarily remember the facts and so I don’t rely on it. I remember a lot of things and if I see pictures I remember more details. But over time I have forgotten a lot and frankly I want to forget the past. I used to hold grudges and if there was ever a time where I could exact revenge I would use it. Eventually I realised its not fun being petty because the war can be endless depending who you are fighting. I chose peace over insanity.

However, there are some incidents I will never forget. The betrayal of a friend is far worse than the attack of an enemy. Growing up I was a part of a group of friends and we used to hang out a lot. We used to go out drinking and eating and loiter in public spaces and do a lot of stupid stuff. One of them was my best friend and we used to go everywhere together I even had meals at his house and him at ours. Our parents knew each other and we both used to fail in class together. The troubles we caused were one too many. It really was a fun period of my life. I really thought we were brothers.

Before COVID started we had gone our separate ways. He found a job in another country and I was in Canada. We used to stay in touch online and called each other regularly. One day I revealed that I was having problems financially and that my parents were also having some problems. I wasn’t asking for help because I never do honestly I usually solve my own problems. He knew I wasn’t asking for help but he suddenly had a weird look on his face. I guess he was feeling guilty and wanted to say something. I asked him what happened and he said he felt sorry for me.

He told me that when we were young he was only friends with me because I had a scooter and I could afford to pay for all the food and booze. He said that we were only friends because he was using me and that the other guys in the group didn’t want me in the group initially. In that moment I didn’t say much except that I had no problems paying for things since I could afford it. I knew his family was not well off and whatever I spent, I spent it voluntarily. I even said that maybe when we hang out in the future he can pay. He agreed and we went back to our old selves.

Something really struck me that day. I didn’t have any real friends. It was haunting me all night. I forgave him that day because there were times where he showed up to help me when I really needed it. When he said he didn’t think of me as his best friend I was really heart broken. I haven’t forgotten about that moment since.

My father probably recognised it in the beginning and told me to stay away from him but I fought hard because I was really alone at the time and wanted to have fun in life. Deep down I knew my friend was a good person and at some level we were friends. I still think of him as a friend but I don’t speak to him anymore. I had to focus on things when my father passed away so I cut contact. Last I heard he got married and was living his dream. I am happy for him. I don’t think you can force someone to be your friend let alone your best friend.

It is painful when you learn that you weren’t as significant to someone else as they were to you. It gets lonely and the loneliness never ends. You can choose to wallow in it or you can learn and move on. When someone close to you betrays you, you experience something called an Ego Death. I have gone through it a few times now and it doesn’t faze me. It still leaves me hollow and there is a void I’d like to fill but this void could eventually become permanent. I am lucky to have people who care about me but I can’t rely on them for this. It would be too burdensome.

The healing process is long and hard. I have become more reserved as result of it and I have developed filters to prevent this from happening again. At the very least I will be prepared the next time it happens. All my friendships are superficial at this point. Some could even call it transactional. I find it difficult to put myself out there because I am lacking in many ways. There is a constant weight on my chest and it gets heavy when I ruminate. I could hold on to a grudge and retaliate but it would hurt me even more. Which is why I choose to forgive and forget. Cheers!