My self worth is something I am still gathering. I am not sure how to put this but I used to think my worth was connected to how educated I am, how much money I earn and how much progress I make in my career. While those are valid pursuits I don’t accept those as definitions of my worth. I believe in morals and my parents taught me how to be good.

When I come across situations where I am required to contradict them I find myself in a dilemna. I stand my ground and I am very adamant about upholding those morals. Consequently I suffer a lot because of it. My entire being is an outcast because of my behaviour. I almost never fit in. There was a time when the clash of these values was devastating. It really broke my very being into a million pieces. This affect was short term and in the long run, standing up for these values will pay off.

Learning how to navigate social structures without losing my values and morals has been very challenging especially when every individual I meet has an agenda that requires some sort of corruption at least to a certain degree. It eats at me and there is very little I can do to balance it.

As a son to my mother I have to face the fact that in order to protect and serve my  family I may have to take decisions that affect my morals and that these morals sound good on paper but are not practical. The real question is to what end?

I learn new things about myself every day. I have replaced the position of my father who used to face the world and represent us every day. Now that I am in his shoes I realise that there is plenty of room to spare. If I can muster even an ounce of his integrity, tenacity and sheer will to work hard I think I could make it in life.

As an individual I have my own interests and efforts that I know are worth pursuing. I want to be healthy, I want to sustain myself and have a family of my own and I want to travel. The nuances of balancing the expectations of my family with mine are where I expect the real challenges to occur. The sheer amount of work is daunting but I am determined to make it work.

In the past I have done some things I am not proud of and they are not worth repeating. Despite holding on to my morals, a mirror was held up to my prejudices and some horrible mistakes were made. This revelation of the truth has allowed me to see the world from the outside and as someone who wants real things in life I am forever grateful for that perspective. In my role as a son and now as a representative of my family I have the opportunity to use this knowledge to create a legacy which will make my family proud.

Learning something new about myself and the world every day and constantly pursuing change rather than avoiding it has been the focus of my meditation for a long time. I am going to continue doing that and in the process create a legacy for generations to come.