I am steadily working towards becoming physically fit. There are moments where self doubt cripples my ability to act but the positive side of this is that it is a learning process. I have said before how I managed to pull myself out of depression. This isn’t any different. For me it has been about breaking down the problem into smaller bits to solve them. The first time I did this program I regained the confidence I had lost when I lost my father to a heart attack. This time around its about repairing my life. I have been struggling socially for years. I did not have friends I could even talk to for nearly half a decade. I worked my way through that. I still push people away unintentionally but I strongly believe it is a part of the process. Before the Pandemic shut down the world my life wasn’t sailing smoothly but I was full of spark and I had some sense of direction. In the middle when I lost that spark, life came crashing down and everything fell apart.

I had a huge role in breaking down the morale of my family. I can’t say why but it was my naive actions that led to bringing every thing down. To top it all off my father died at an unforeseen moment when things could not have been worse. With the Pandemic ongoing, the death of my father and crippling debt on our heads, all we had were choices to make.

My mother was angry with me but she never left my side. In fact she still bears my shenanigans and she is a true saint for it. We started rebuilding our lives. Over the last five years we paid off our debt. We managed to make some investments. We renovated our home which was falling apart and we gave it a new lease of life and it felt like it was home again. I started a business which I am still struggling with but it has given me a sense of purpose and I am working on bringing a steady income. Most importantly my mother and I are working on improving our health. I have been obese for most of my life and this morning when I went for a swim after taking my progress picture I realised how far I have come. I did around 1000 meters which is more than I can ever imagine. I came home grateful for the ability to perform an active endeavour. I finished my reading task before breakfast.

For breakfast we had eggs and for lunch we had some chicken and rice. I took the day off today to think about our current condition. We are better off than we were before but as my mother puts it we still have many mountains left to climb. I am having an issue setting a clear goal as to where or what I want my business to be. Once I figure that out I am sure I can achieve it. In the meantime I am working on fitness. One thing I learnt from my father is the ability to do things even if you don’t like them. I have a tendency to go face first into difficult situations which makes it difficult to see the bigger picture. But with the ability of writing I am able to put my thoughts down and think clearly.

As I went for my walk today I was listening to my usual playlist and a lyric really made me think today- “I spent all my life feeling lost, only to realise it was part of the journey.” It made me really ponder. I am on a quest for realisation and its not just realisation of the body but also of the mind. It may take an entire lifetime but the journey itself is the experience worth having. I finished my gallon of water when I came back home. I made some progress today and had a lot of time for introspection. Day 46 was a success.